*slides $10 to the government* please cancel school
knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
That was deep
philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie
That was deeper.
And common sense is knowing not to drink it
i actually like being up early i just don’t like getting up early
YOU PUT THIS IN WORDS
omfG my spanish flatmate just turned to me and said ‘i need to ask you something embarrassing’ so i sort of said oh yeah sure no problem
and he was like
'people keep telling me they are having 'two sex'?'
'i ask them for something, and they say they will do it after two sex or to give them two sex? is this a common thing here?'
they mEAN ‘TWO SECS’ AS IN TWO SECONDS THE POOR BOY THOUGHT WE’RE ALL ONLY GONNA DO STUFF FOR HIM AFTER HAVING SEX TWICE B L E S S
friends are constantly coming to me for advice about their relationships and love lives and i’m just
if i ever met satan the first thing i would say is “did it hurt…when you fell from heaven??” It would be hilarious. The next thing I would do is probably burst into flame and get impaled dozens of times but it would still be hilarious
a harry potter au where potions is taught by gordon ramsay
"YOUR DRAUGHT OF LIVING DEATH COULDN’T KILL A FRUIT FLY"
"YOU PUT SO MUCH GINGER IN THAT POTION IT TASTES LIKE A WEASLEY"